FOCUS: St. Patrick's Day

Irish Blessings
"May the Lord keep you in His hand, and never close His fist too tight."

"May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and a smooth road all the way to your door."

"May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you, and all your heart might desire."

"May the road rise to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields, and, until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand."

An Irish Curse
"May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope."

Irish Proverbs
"Don't be breaking your shin on a stool that's not in your way."

"You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was."

"Better fifty enemies outside the house than one within."

"It is easy to halve the potato where there's love."

"It's no delay to stop to edge the tool."

"It’s no use going to the goat's house to look for wool."

"Snuff at a wake is fine if there's nobody sneezing over the snuff box."

"Though honey is sweet, do not lick it off a briar."

"Everyone lays a burden on the willing horse."

"Never scald your lips with another man's porridge."

"You'll never plough a field by turning it over in your mind."

"You must cut your coat according to your cloth."

"Your son is your son until he marries, but your daughter is your daughter until you die."

"You are not a fully fledged sailor unless you have sailed under full sail, and you have not built a wall unless you have rounded a corner."

"'Tis better to buy a small bouquet and give to your friend this very day, than a bushel of roses white and red to lay on his coffin after he's dead."

Irish Toasts
"Here's to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold beer-and another one!"

"Saint Patrick was a gentleman
Who through strategy and stealth
Drove all the snakes from Ireland
Here's a drinkee to his health!
But not too many drinkees
Lest we lose ourselves and then
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see them snakes again!”

Paddy at the Pub
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St. Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite," he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way."

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

To Heaven
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes, but I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Malachy McCourt, The Hypocrisy of St.Patrick's Day


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